How Your Sorry A$$ Team (Or Not Sorry) Can Make The Super Bowl (NSFW)
Here we are going into Week 8 of the 2020 NFL Season, and normally this is the time of year where the cream of the crop starts to separate themselves and the bottom of the barrel starts scouting draft picks.
However, 2020 is a different year, to say the least. If there was any year to expect the unexpected, it’s most definitely this year. So instead of doom and gloom and throwing the rest of the season away, I’m here to tell you how all 32 teams (including your sorry ass team that’s leaving you miserable every week) can make it to Super Bowl LV in Tampa this February. Let’s break it down real quick:
Article by Marques Coleman
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills
Okay Buffalo, you’re 5-2 coming off an ugly, gritty win over the now 0-7 New York Jets. Josh Allen has fluctuated between looking like an MVP candidate to the trigger happy gunslinger we’ve seen the last two seasons. As of now, you look like the clear favorites to take the depleted AFC East crown, so making the playoffs shouldn’t be much of a task. Once you get in though, your success will depend heavily on Allen’s ability to take care of the football, and finally establishing a consistent run game behind one of your many running backs to help support your middle of the pack defense as much as you can. Trust in Josh. Believe in Josh. Josh is the way for y’all.
Miami Dolphins
It’s TUA TIME down in Miami Gardens. You’re sitting at 3-3 during this Week 7 bye, and the world is READY to see Miami’s well-rested offense kicked into a higher gear to finish out the season with their first-round rookie at the helm. Salute to Ryan Fitzpatrick for not letting the ship sink while also mentoring Tua, but the time has come. The path from Miami to Tampa starts with making the playoffs presumably as one of the now three Wild Card spots. Miami has five games remaining on the schedule with teams currently sitting with losing records, so it’s definitely plausible. Tua should be a boost to an offense that’s currently 18th in the league in passing. Your top-dollar secondary should step up in the playoffs when it’s time. Big players need to make big plays in big games. Especially when they've been paid big money.
New England Patriots
New England, the sky might seem like it’s falling. You’re 2-4, you’ve battled COVID-19 outbreaks and schedule changes, and now your QB situation looks questionable again after some recent shaky Cam Newton performances. So how do you get to Tampa in February? Cam Newton definitely needs to be sharper with his mechanics and more decisive with some of his reads. However, lost in his struggles is the defense giving up 132 rushing yards per game (6th worst in the league). Allowing the other team to keep the ball out of your best weapon’s hands isn’t going to cut it. Let Cam get back into a rhythm and hope for some Belichick magic that always comes in the postseason.
New York Jets
0-7? Pray. Pray to whomever you believe in praying to. Maybe pray to someone you don’t believe in praying to as well because could it really hurt? Miracles do happen. Maybe someone gets the balls to fire the coach that hates seeing his players succeed. Then maybe someone makes a miracle or fifty happen. Not a damn thing is happening under Adam Gase… except the undisputable worst offense in the league. As in 32 out of 32 in both points and yards.
AFC South:
Houston Texans
Houston, you’ve come to an extremely unfortunate 1-6 record. You’ve lost to arguably 5 of the best 7 or 8 teams in the league, and you’ve played them all very closely. The good news is aside from the Titans, you don’t have to see any of them again until the playoffs, so the worst is definitely behind you. Deshaun Watson is one of the most dynamic quarterbacks in the league. He’s been unshackled from Bill O’Brien, so the next step is to fix that defense that can’t get off the field. Make some turnovers happen, man. You’ve got one interception the entire season. You also can’t be the second-worst rushing defense while also being the worst rushing offense. I know a lot of that can change if you stop playing from behind the entire second half. We’ve seen what happens when Houston gets on a roll. This team coupled with a roster with some playoff experience is gonna have to make some serious magic happen to win a Wild Card game. After that, anything is possible in the playoffs. Let Deshaun’s championship pedigree lead you to Tampa.
Indianapolis Colts
Congratulations, Indianapolis. You’ve cake-walked to a 4-2 record beating the Vikings, Jets, Bears, and Bengals. That’s not sarcasm. You’re SUPPOSED to beat the lesser competition (aside from the Bears). I questioned you after your Week 1 game against the Jaguars, but you’ve responded well with a top-five defense since then. It might not seem like much, but the confidence instilled from beating weaker competition reaffirms that you don’t belong down there. Come playoff time, that will be important. Your veteran QB in Philip Rivers is looking for a last push at the end of his career, he’s going to give everything he has. Your young RB looks solid and is capitalizing behind a stud offensive line. Your secondary is extremely opportunistic forcing the most interceptions in the league through Week 7. With Tennessee finally losing a game, even winning the division looks to still be in play. This is the formula of a team that makes a surprise run to the Super Bowl.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Jacksonville, you’re 1-6. Your QB told us Week 1 that you weren’t tanking, then went on to give you an inspiring upset win. You then proceeded to drop 6 games in a row in true tank-worthy fashion. With a bottom 5 offense and a bottom 5 defense in a division with three teams significantly better than you, it may seem bleak. HOWEVER, if you believe in Minshew Mania, and you believe in creatively getting Laviska Shenault and James Robinson the ball, good things can definitely happen on offense. Protect your QB and give him time to find his weapons. 22 sacks in seven games aren’t getting it done. You’ve got a rookie corner finding his way on defense in CJ Henderson. You’ve got guys who can get to the QB in Josh Allen & Dawuane Smoot. Turn those QB pressures and QB hits into sacks and NOW you’re cooking with some grease. Myles Jack and Joe Shobert can also make plays in the intermediate level. Sure, it’ll be a very improbable run, seeing that there are seven teams left on the schedule with two losses or less as of Week 7, but that’s what makes the story great, right?! This is Disney Movie level material here!
Tennessee Titans
You just lost your first game of the year in heartbreaking fashion, but a 5-1 record coming off last year’s run to the AFC Championship game and after battling a huge COVID-19 outbreak this year is definitely nothing to cry about. Your machine of an RB Derrick Henry finally looked human, and that’s okay because he is. He’s still the engine running this train straight to Tampa. Ryan Tannehill is further proving the theory that Adam Gase fucking stinks and hates his players. Your defense has created the third-most turnovers in the league and your offense is second in limiting turnovers. This is exactly how championship teams stay alive in the playoffs. With the Bears, Colts twice, Ravens, and Packers left on the schedule, it is do or die time. You win at least four of these and there’s no doubt about your validity as a contender. This also keeps you in play for the No. 1 seed and the lone first-round bye. If the AFC playoffs are forced to run through Nashville, we’ll see you boys in Tampa.
AFC West:
Denver Broncos
Injuries have really hampered a promising season for you, Denver. I know you were supposed to be better than 2-4, but two wins in this extremely tough six-game stretch is honestly not a terrible start to this season. Eight wins should make a playoff spot in the AFC this year, so your path to the playoffs should be beating the Chargers, Falcons, Raiders, Dolphins, and Panthers while hopefully stealing one off of the Saints or the Bills. A hot team riding into the playoffs is a dangerous team. Your defense is still fighting and is top five in limiting first downs, top 10 in rushing yards allowed, and top 10 in points allowed per drive. Defense wins championships, or at least it can get you there.
Kansas City Chiefs
Kansas City, you’re a cheat code. You’re 6-1 on your Super Bowl victory lap with your truly generational QB talent and absolutely stacked skill position roster (that just got even better with Le’Veon Bell). But you know what’s even more unfair? Your defense is second in the league with creating 13 turnovers through Week 7. Now why the HELL does this offense need even more opportunity on the field? It’s not unrealistic to believe that this team will be favored in maybe every single game that it plays in for the rest of the season barring major injury. This shit is honestly ridiculous. There’s some other bullshit like this going on in the NFC South too, but we’ll get to that later. For now, we clearly know how the Chiefs get to Tampa, you just have to show up and be who you are: the champions.
Las Vegas Raiders
What’s up Vegas. You’re sitting at 3-3, and you’ve seen a little of everything good and bad so far this season. Explosive offensive games with Derek Carr playing the most efficient ball of his career, and then there are the huge games where they have given up on defense. Being in the top 11 in scoring but 31st in points allowed is quite a balance. Looking like a Wild Card contender, the key will be to keep Josh Jacobs and Henry Ruggs fresh and healthy. Those young Alabama products will be the pieces Carr leans on to try to win these playoff shootouts that are sure to come from a Las Vegas Super Bowl run. In classic Raiders fashion, it’ll be speedy receivers with a pounding ground game and a fast and hard-hitting defense that gets the job done in an entertaining fashion.
Los Angeles Chargers
Shoutout to my dawg JHERBO!! Chargers, it seems like you’ve made the seamless transition (besides trying to kill your bridge QB with your team doctor) from one franchise QB to another. Truly remarkable. Some teams go an entire decade before finding their “next guy.” You have one of the most dynamic receiver duos with Keenan Allen and Mike Williams who complement each other extremely well with differing skill sets. Another team to whom injuries haven’t been kind to, I’ll again say that 2-4 given the circumstances should be encouraging especially with some painfully close losses to some top competitors along the way (and being a solid lateral away from beating the Panthers on what would’ve been maybe the best game-winning drive of the year). Nine to 10 wins is still not unrealistic given the remaining schedule. You’ve seemingly struck gold at QB, you hopefully get Austin Ekeler back, and your defense hopefully pulls it together to stay in that upper-middle range of limiting yardage and points. Again, a hot team coming into the playoffs is a dangerous team. Especially some young bucks with nothing to lose!
AFC North:
Baltimore Ravens
It’s business as usual for you, Baltimore. At least in the Harbough era, it is. With only one losing season under his tenure, I think you guys are safe to meet your expectations sitting at 5-1 through week 7. Your MVP QB Lamar Jackson is still leading the league’s number one rushing attack, and he’s being supported with a defense giving up the fewest points in the league. It’s clear that the key to getting over the hump and getting to Tampa is to start early and stay in control since Lamar Jackson has yet to lose a game after leading after halftime. Use early involvement in the run game to open up some space downfield for Hollywood Brown and Devin Duvernay later on. Let Patrick Queen run wild on defense. Let your all-star secondary be great and send Calais Campbell, Matt Judon, and Pernell McPhee running wild rushing the QB. Baltimore has the firepower AND the depth at all levels to play THEIR game and enforce it on anyone and everyone.
Cincinnati Bengals
Joe Burrow will be your savior, Cincinnati. I’m not gonna lie, though, 1-5-1 fucking sucks, but the encouraging part is at least you look entertaining while losing. Finding a way to force a tie with the Eagles instead of letting that add to yet another loss might be the most impressive accomplishment of the season. Burrow definitely has what it takes to lead a second-half surge. His arm talent is legit, Mixon is still a threat at RB, and Higgins has come into his own to form a formidable tandem with Boyd. I’m not gonna lie though, you’re entering New York Jets prayer territory when talking about turning this season around for a playoff run to the Super Bowl. Being bottom 10 in both passing and rushing yards allowed while also being in the bottom 10 of turnovers on offense doesn’t leave much optimism for any kind of turn around. Some teams are really just sorry as hell, man. I guess if you just stop all that shit you have a chance at something.
Cleveland Browns
Sitting at a clean 5-2, the Browns are now officially the best professional sports team popping in Cleveland. After years of LeBron domination and a few years of the Tribe achieving playoff success, Cleveland is now once again a FOOTBALL town. Now it stinks that you lose Odell Beckham Jr. to an ACL injury, but you have Baker Mayfield learning to manage games while making big winning plays when called upon. You have in Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt one of the most unfair RB duos in the league. You have Myles Garrett going on an absolute tear with getting into the backfield with 9 sacks, 9 TFL, and 13 QB Hits. Denzel Ward is a young stud at corner. The pieces and energy are there. You need consistency from your secondary to slow down some of the high powered offenses the AFC has in the playoff race, but with an offense that’s built to keep up with it AND play keep away, the Browns are a dangerous threat in this AFC playoff picture. If Baker Mayfield can play clean football and Chubb/Hunt establish control early, who can really stop Cleveland from rolling right on through to Tampa?
Pittsburgh Steelers
The last undefeated team in the league. The 6-0 Pittsburgh Steelers. A friend of mine, sir Reginald Frederick from The Pickup Podcast (available on all streaming services and social media), would have some more words on you than I would, but what I will say is that even given what may be seen as a favorable schedule, make no mistake that you have earned your spot at the top so far. To stay on top, you’ll have to improve on that red zone defense which is allowing a TD on 66% of red zone attempts. Now, allowing the fewest yards in the league makes it difficult to score in the red zone, to begin with, of course. That tandem of Bud Dupree and TJ Watt will carry this defense as far as this team wants to go. If you win your division you’re likely sitting at the top of the AFC as well for the lone first-round bye. If the playoffs have to go through Pittsburgh with a QB and head coach with championship pedigree, I don’t see how they don’t make it to Tampa with their AFC Championship t-shirts and hats.
NFC East
Before I start with the NFC East teams, I’d like to give them a special shout out because this SORRY AS HELL division was my entire inspiration for this piece. I was watching the Eagles/Giants Thursday night game thinking, “Damn, one of these sorry ass teams gotta make the playoffs, and they can still make the Super Bowl possibly if things shape up just right. How the hell can that go?” So, yeah, salute to these sorry ass squads. One of you still has a chance.
Dallas Cowboys
Dallas, Dallas, Dallas… I wish with everything in me that circumstances were different because I normally would LOVE to see all forms of failure rain upon this franchise, but this year is an exception. Dak played his heart out through your 2-3 start before his unfortunate injury. Andy Dalton was just annihilated in the midst of dropping a second straight game in embarrassing fashion bringing you to 2-5. But GUESS WHAT?? You STILL have a shot at winning the worst division in football and securing a home playoff game. The QB situation may be shaky, the usually stout offensive line may be banged up, and the defense is in the bottom six in the league in yards allowed and the worst in points allowed, but the pieces are still there to make something shake. Zeke has proven he can carry the offense (so long as he can carry and hold on to the ball) and he’s on pace for another 1500 scrimmage yard season. CeeDee Lamb has proven to make this WR group a three-headed monster with Cooper and Gallup. As long as you have weapons, you can score, and if you can score, you always have a chance to win. Especially in this sorry ass division.
New York Giants
There are two ways to look at this for you, Giants. First, you are 1-6 coming off an embarrassing collapse on national television to another sorry division rival and sitting solely at the bottom of the worst division in football (maybe ever??) or second you’re a measly 1.5 games behind hosting a home playoff game letting the Big Blue boys make a third improbable run to a Super Bowl. Losing Saquon Barkley for the year is certainly a bummer, especially since he was on my fantasy squad, but with the jets Danny Dimes showed us, maybe he can help pick up some of that slack. I mean, something’s gotta pick up since it’s the worst offense in the league. However, in true historic Giants fashion, you guys can lean on a defense that’s top 10 in sacks, top 10 in QB pressures, and featuring a marquee playmaker in the secondary in James Bradberry. If there’s any team with history on their side for making the impossible happen, it’s the Big Blue G-Men.
Philadelphia Eagles
Congratulations are in order for you, Philly. Being the ringleader of this shit show sitting at 2-4-1, if the season ended today, you’d be adding another division title to your banner. Carson Wentz has been as good as he’s been bad. After uninspiring losses to The Football Team and the Rams to open the season, you guys finally gutted out a remarkable… tie. Against… the Bengals? But fear not because going 2-2 in the last four weeks and gearing up to face the spiraling Cowboys and the Giants again after the bye week, you’re shaping up to have the best chance at maybe cracking .500 for the first time this season in this division. You have a tough five-game stretch coming up with Cleveland, Seattle, Green Bay, New Orleans, and Arizona, but let’s be honest, you guys can hold this division lead and win it with six or seven wins, so realistically you just need to steal one of these and handle your division rivals. If you cut down on the ridiculous amount of defensive penalties (you lead the league) and let your pass rush (which is third in the league in sacks) do their job, you can make life a little easier for your decimated offense. That’s how you guys channel some of that 2017 underdog magic and return to the mountaintop.
Washington Football Team
First and foremost shout out to Coach Ron Rivera for leading his team to a resounding victory over the Cowboys in Week 7 and then going on to finish his final cancer treatments and getting to ring that bell. That’s a hell of a guy to go through all of that without missing any games. Now, I don’t necessarily agree with the way the QB situation was handled, but between Dwayne Haskins and Kyle Allen, this offense has shown flashes of explosiveness, and sitting at 2-5 being half a game out of the division lead is no doubt an accomplishment. This defense has all the pieces to be great in a couple of seasons. Chase Young and Montez Sweat are as advertised, Kendall Fuller returns to Washington and leads the league in interceptions, Jonathan Allen and Da’Ron Payne are plugging the middle, and Jack Del Rio is bringing them all together. This defense, limiting turnovers (good luck Kyle Allen), and figuring out this odd RB rotation will be the key to winning this division and making The Football Team the team to watch out for in the NFC Playoffs.
NFC South:
Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta, the laughs you’ve given me this season have been priceless. You’re probably the only team that doesn’t deserve to be on the 1-6 list but at the same time every time I watch you lose I can’t help but think, “Damn, you really did it to yourself.” There’s nobody left to blame with Dan Quinn getting the pink slip after the loss at home to the Panthers. Blowing embarrassing second-half leads to the Cowboys, Bears, and Lions (oh my!) has been your trademark for the 2020 season. It really stinks because this was supposed to be the easy portion of the season with a tough back end of the schedule to follow. Given the circumstances though, you have a history of turning things around late in the season and making some waves. Matt Ryan is leading the league in passing right now. Julio Jones and Calvin Ridley are still a formidable pairing capable of putting tremendous pressure on any secondary in the league. Todd Gurley is still a red zone stud and his uncanny ability to find the end zone should help (instead of hurt) at some point down the line. When this team decides to stop allowing the second-most passing yards and touchdowns in the league and finally starts playing fourth quarters, man, lookout. You guys in Atlanta certainly know how to give sports fans the most unexpected surprises, so why not surprise us with a Super Bowl run as the first seventh seed in history?
Carolina Panthers
Panther nation, you guys know you’re near and dear to my heart. I’m from here. I live here. I’ve seen it all with this franchise. To say that the Panthers have a chance at Super Bowl LV warms my heart, or at least it should. With a brand new Coach and QB leading the way, this offense should be the catalyst that brings you to the big game, right? Teddy Bridgewater is top 5 in passing yards, Robby Anderson and DJ Moore are the leading WR tandem in the league in yards, and Mike Davis is 4th in the league in YAC and he’s only played since the second half of Week 2. All of this has brought you to a 3-4 record without your best player and All-Pro Fantasy KING Christian McCaffrey who is set to make his return. To be in the thick of this Wild Card hunt with an offense that is in the bottom 10 in red zone scoring (for touchdowns), the worst pass rush in the league (last in total QB pressures and amassing only six sacks in seven games), and a defense that is second to last in third-down conversions, all without having your best player, is absolutely ASTOUNDING. Let Brian Burns continue his hot streak and lift that pass rush. Let the rookie stud Jeremy Chinn continue to fly around the back end making play after play. Let Derrick Brown continue to find his way and be a force in the middle. There’s nowhere for this team to go but up. And by up, I mean Tampa.
New Orleans Saints
New Orleans, you’ve clearly been here before. Sitting at 4-2, you seem primed for another playoff run, so hopefully, you guys have run out of different ways to collapse in the playoffs because I think we’ve basically seen it all. For this year’s edition of the Playoff Saints, we’re gonna need a healthy Michael Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders to give Brees his best receiving tandem he’s had since the last ring. Alvin Kamara is quite possibly the best RB in football right now, leading the league in all-purpose yards per game. Fun fact, Kamara has more receiving yards than rushing yards this season. So as long as Brees has weapons, and his line gives him space and opportunity (only giving up eight sacks so far this season), then the sky is the limit for this offense. With a defense in the top 10 in limiting yards with young playmakers at each level, New Orleans is certainly still in the mix to win the NFC South and potentially even have the NFC run through the Superdome again in the playoffs. Just don’t choke this time, okay?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
An unbelievably revitalized Tom Brady has the Tampa Bay Buccaneers sitting at 5-2 and primed to win their first division title since *checks notes* 2005?? Fifteen years is a long time coming, but man, it’s sure paying off now. How special would it be to have a guy that’s arguably the greatest to ever play come and deliver this team to a championship game being played in its own city after a 12 YEAR playoff drought? But it’s not all about Brady, this offense has certainly stacked themselves with big names from the present and past. Mike Evans, Chris Godwin, Gronk, LeSean McCoy, Leonard Fournette, Ronald Jones, and now throw in Antonio Brown? Who’s out here letting them get away with this bullshit man? This shit is just as bad as what Kansas City’s been doing...or maybe this is what it takes to win a championship in 2020? But on another note, this defense is starting to feel like the ghost of 2002. Devin White and Lavonte David may be the best linebacker duo in the league. JPP & Shaq Barrett are harassing QBs, and Ndamukong Suh is having himself a vintage season. Carlton Davis is emerging as a young leader of this secondary, and Antoine Winfield Jr. may be proving himself to be just as good or better than his former Pro Bowl father. Sporting the best run defense in the league while also being second in sacks and top 10 in turnovers, this may be as good of a chance as ever to see a team finally make a run to a Super Bowl being played in their own stadium.
NFC West:
Arizona Cardinals
Arizona, you’ve made me a believer. You’ve slain the beast in the best division in football in a most impressive fashion. Now with the Seahawks only a game ahead of you and the Rams, the division is honestly wide open for the taking. Honestly, just off talent, you should be undefeated because I can’t justifiably explain how you dropped back to back games to the Lions and Panthers with poor offensive performances versus two extremely bad defenses. However, 5-2 is no disappointment either. Trading David Johnson for DeAndre Hopkins and featuring Kenyan Drake and Kyler Murray in the rushing game has taken Kliff Kingsbury’s offense to new heights. This offense is right on pace behind the Ravens as the second-best rushing attack in the league while scoring the most rushing TDs and being top five in red zone scoring. Murray is on pace to break Cam Newton’s 2011 record for most rushing TDs in a season for a QB. This defense has been retooled with playmakers in the secondary and a potential young star linebacker in Isaiah Simmons. IF the offense can cut down on turnovers, and the defense stays opportunistic and successful inside the red zone (second in the league in limiting touchdowns) then you definitely have the tools to fight to win this division and make that push to Tampa in February.
Los Angeles Rams
The golden child of LA. You may have lost the uniform battle, but you’re definitely the best football team playing in SoFi Stadium in 2020. Jared Goff may have finally learned it’s okay to be a game manager if you’re an ELITE game manager. Somehow even after letting Todd Gurley walk, a stable of young RBs have helped you maintain a top 10 rushing attack. The defense is as good as ever with Jalen Ramsey back in top form and Aaron Donald looking like his DPOY candidate self once again. There’s still much to be seen with your squad this season given that four of your five wins are off of the weak as hell NFC East, but again, beating who you’re supposed to beat is a trademark of a championship-level team. The Sean McVay system seems to still be intact, so let this stifling defense and wide-open offense lead you back to the promised land and finish the job left undone in 2018.
San Francisco 49ers
San Fran, you might possibly be the most unlucky team in the league, and you’re still sitting at 4-3. What are the chances that after a fourth-quarter Super Bowl collapse, the revenge tour starts off with a slew of injuries leaving six players on IR with season-ending injuries. Not to mention the guys there are spending multiple weeks on IR before potentially returning to action. To gut out four wins in these circumstances is promising. Especially maintaining a top-five overall defense. But what are the chances that sitting at 4-3 after going through all of this would leave you at the bottom of your division? SMH. Luckily for you, this year I could really see this entire division make the playoffs due to the addition of the 7th seed. The revenge tour starts with keeping the offensive line as healthy as possible. As long as they can keep Jimmy G upright, that offense can still lean on George Kittle and Debo Samuel to power them into the playoffs. It’s been extremely refreshing to see Jerrick McKinnon back in action and being successful, and it’s unfortunate that simultaneously Tevin Coleman and Raheem Mostert are now dealing with injuries that are keeping them off the field. Brandon Aiyuk looks to be a perfect fit in the offense with Deebo Samuel on the other side. Their versatility should give defenses fits throughout the rest of the season and the playoffs. Hopefully, your RB group returns to good health in time for the playoff push to help you return to your quest for six. You were so close, you could almost taste it, so I know you have what it takes to get the job done a second time around.
Seattle Seahawks
All right Seattle, you’ve had your fun running through the beginning of the season, but you’ve suffered your first loss and are now 5-1. How do you bounce back? Do you still make Russell Wilson be a superhero? I mean he’s still a leader in the MVP race now leading the number one offense in the league and leading the league in touchdowns. Can a one-man show get you all the way to the big game? HELL YEAH, HE CAN. Russell Wilson is the point guard of this team. He’s the man who makes everyone around him better, dishing 15 assists a game but also can go get you a 40 piece on his own when he needs to. DK Metcalf could not have gone to a better team with a better system. Nobody is asking him to do anything but what he’s good at: be big, see ball, get ball, run fast. And he’s pretty fucking great at that. Tyler Lockett is being thrown open all over the field. Preparing for these guys defensively has to be one of the most annoying tasks that you could get paid millions for. If there was ever a team that I’d have one hundred percent confidence in despite giving up the most yards per game on defense, it’s most definitely the 2020 Seahawks. You guys have veterans on defense that know how to step up when it matters most, so I’m confident if you guys win the toughest division in football, you’ll lock up the first seed and can book your tickets to Tampa in no time.
NFC North:
Chicago Bears
Chicago, if this were a game of Among Us, most people would vote you off the ship as the Imposter. A team that’s gone through QB controversy, putting up the least productive rushing offense in the league, and a bottom 10 passing offense shouldn’t be sitting at 5-2, right? WRONG. That defense is top 10 in the league in yards and points allowed per game, but it should be number one to everyone in Chicago. You’re the best in the league in the red zone at keeping teams out of the end zone, and that’s going to be crucial down the line to keep your offense within striking distance. Foles may not be “the guy,” but he definitely has proven to be the PLAYOFF guy, and here in this article, that’s all that matters. The Bears are in a position to potentially win the NFC North and bring some playoff games up to the cold in Soldier Field. So long as we don’t get any more double-doink field goals, I think you’ll be quite formidable behind that defense and Playoff Foles in some single-digit weather. In that case, Tampa should feel like a vacation in February.
Detroit Lions
You’ve never had any great football luck, Detroit, but 2020 might be the very year to change that. After a disappointing Week 1 meltdown against Chicago and getting undressed by Aaron Rodgers and Aaron Jones in Week 2, you’ve ripped off a 3-1 run to bring you back to .500 this week. Although there isn’t any one area that pops off the page with this team, one thing you do well and have to continue to do is take care of the football. With five games left on the schedule against teams currently with losing records, it’ll be imperative to not give anything away unnecessarily. If the Bears “are who we thought they were” this will bode well for you too because you should be able to make up some ground on them and contend for a Wild Card spot should you take care of your business. Experienced quarterbacks and big-play receivers are usually good money in the playoffs, so expect to ride the Stafford to Golladay connection all the way through the playoffs should you make it. It’s gonna take a 2008 Larry Fitzgerald level of playoff domination, but I have faith in you to make it happen.
Green Bay Packers
One of these days, you’re gonna have to get it done, Green Bay, so why not 2020? 2019 clearly wasn’t meant to be after an abysmal NFC Championship Game performance on the defensive end. To be fair, I don’t know if it would’ve been any better in the Super Bowl with the magic that Mahomes and company made happen in the fourth quarter, so it is what it is. Now, you’re 5-1, coming off a bounceback victory after getting punched in the fucking mouth by Tampa Bay. Aside from that anomaly, Aaron Rodgers has been back to looking like a potential MVP candidate again, leading the second-best scoring offense in the league while being tops in the league at taking care of the ball. HOPEFULLY, Rodgers just got his two interceptions of the year out him in that one game, and he’ll continue to light things up with his historic efficiency. Davante Adams is looking like an All-Pro receiver, and Aaron Jones is among the best in the league when healthy as well. The same as last year though, your ability to win in the playoffs and move on to Tampa will hinge on your ability to stop the run. The worst thing you can do is not have the ball in your best player’s hands all game. Preventing teams from running the clock down on you and keeping them out of the end zone will be the key. Red zone defense will have to improve as well, but when you have one of the GOATs on the other side of the ball leading you, you can’t help but have faith that he can find a way to get it done like he’s done before so many times.
Minnesota Vikings
Minnesota, at 1-6 in one of the most competitive divisions in the best conference in football, I’m afraid I’m going to have to direct you to the same house of prayer as the Jets fans. The bright side is, you don’t have Adam Gase in your building hating good players. However, the Kirk Cousins experiment should’ve ended at the end of that FULLY GUARANTEED $84 million deal, but instead, you’ve locked yourself into another two years FULLY GUARANTEED $66 million extension after a feel-good playoff win over the Saints last season (which was more to do with the Saints choking yet again, but I digress). If there’s any MVP in Minnesota, it’s Mike McCartney, Kirk Cousins’ agent. Anyways, Dalvin Cook is still a stud when he’s not banged up, Justin Jefferson looks like a future WR1, and Theilen doesn’t seem to be suffering too much with the loss of Diggs, but your defense has been excruciatingly bad, especially late in games. Now that you’ve gifted your best pass rusher to the Ravens, my last bit of hope for this team has also followed out of the door. So, if you’re like me, and you believe prayer can work, then that’s my last resort to turning this season around into a winning season for the playoffs.
Like everyone else, I look forward to seeing the second half of the NFL season unfold. There’s a lot of teams that have been absolute fucking garbage during the first half of the season, but with no preseason and limited training camps due to COVID-19, some of that was expected. Now, we see who can put their past behind them and continue to push forward for what should be one of the most interesting playoffs in league history under this new format. Salute.
